


Existential

by CassieQ



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Established Relationship, Existential Crisis, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-18
Updated: 2014-06-18
Packaged: 2018-02-05 03:28:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1803616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CassieQ/pseuds/CassieQ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cecil has another existential crisis.  Luckily, he also has Carlos.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Existential

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Nathaniel and ohwhatamess for their beta and editing work. They are awesome people.
> 
> Feedback is always welcome.

Existential

            Carlos had been dating Cecil for a while now; knew his likes and dislikes, his habits and his adorable quirks.  Despite all that, he was more than aware that there were aspects of Cecil he would probably never understand, parts of him that were the result of his Nightvalian upbringing and way of thinking, that would always remain alien to him and his scientific perspective on the world.  He didn't mind though.  Cecil was a delightful mystery, one that Carlos would happily spend the rest of his life trying to unravel, even with the somehow satisfying knowledge that he would never truly understand him, or even really want to. And that was okay. Perfect, even.

            Cecil was by turns serious and cheerful, playful and dramatic, compliant and rebellious. He was a beautiful contradiction, a fascinating paradox that Carlos loved.  But it was only to be expected, Carlos supposed, that there were some aspects of Cecil where he would find himself completely out of his depth.

            This happened one evening when he came in from the lab and found Cecil already at home, in the kitchen.  He smiled upon seeing his boyfriend's form leaning over the sink, called out a cheerful hello as he hung up his keys and his lab coat near the door.   His smile faded, then vanished altogether, as he got closer and took in Cecil's appearance.

            Something was wrong.  Cecil was too still, unnaturally so.  He stood at the sink, half filled with dishes and bubbles, completely motionless except for the shallow rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. His vivid eyes stared blankly into space and he gave absolutely no acknowledgment to Carlos at all.

            Carlos stepped cautiously into the room, already running likely scenarios through his head.  His first thought was the Glow Cloud, which he quickly discounted, because there was no vanilla smell, Cecil wasn't vocalizing the Glow Cloud's desires like one usually did when possessed and he was pretty sure he had seen the Glow Cloud near the elementary school earlier, presumably for a PTA meeting or parent/teacher night.  

            There had been no strange visitors or unknown variables in town, although in Night Vale, that was not saying much.  And Cecil had sounded perfectly normal, by Cecil standards, on the radio earlier.

            "Cecil?" Carlos tried to keep his voice calm, but could hear the strain of anxiety underlying his question. Upon drawing closer, he saw that there were tears slipping quietly down Cecil's cheeks.  No sobs, no sound, just the tears.  "Cecil, baby?  It's Carlos."  He carefully reached out and touched Cecil, stroking a finger along his neck.

            Carlos was prepared for Cecil to be startled or even flinch away, but he showed little reaction except to slide his eyes briefly in Carlos' direction. Then they slid back forward again; lost, distant. 

            "You're not real."

            Carlos blinked, not sure what surprised him more, the words or the way Cecil just delivered them, flat and dull, like it was fact. Obvious.  Indisputable. 

            "Why do you think that?"

            "The Void told me so.  I'm not real. You're not real. Nothing is real. Nothing exists."

_Oh crap._

_Why_ had Cecil been looking at the Void?  He knew better than anyone the kind of existential terror the Void caused.

            "No. I am Carlos, and I am real. You are Cecil, and you are real."

            "Lies." Another sideways slide of his eyes. "Comforting lies, but lies all the same."

            Carlos caught the discreet sideways glance and felt slightly hopeful. Cecil might think that existence was a lie, but he wanted to believe otherwise, which was encouraging. Carlos could vaguely remember Cecil going through another period of existential doubt on the radio shortly after he had moved to town.

            He could recall Cecil being comforted by two things while on the radio…the visible presence of his intern Leland, and Leland referring to a shared experience. Carlos chanced another step closer.

            "No lies.  I'm Carlos. I'm your boyfriend and I'm a scientist. We are in the house that we bought last year."

            Cecil's hands clenched the edge of the sink.  "Not real.  None of it."

            "Cecil, this is real.  You are real, and we are real.  Let me prove it to you."

            "How?"

            Carlos considered for a moment.  "Have you ever heard the term 'Cogito ergo sum'?"

            Cecil still refused to look at him.  "Is it Russian?"

            "Latin. It means, 'I think, therefore I am'. Descartes said that--he was a philosopher.  He tried to doubt his own existence, but found that even his doubting showed that he existed, since he could not doubt if he did not exist.  Therefore, if you are able to doubt your own existence, then you must exist, because if you didn't exist, then you would not be able to doubt the fact that you do exist."

            Cecil gave him a look that was a cross between confusion and incredulous disbelief, before shifting his gaze back forward, the way he was before. On reflection, Carlos realized that philosophical introspection was probably not the best way to handle the situation.  He needed something more practical, more concrete.

            "Cecil, do you feel pain?"  Carlos asked, changing tact. 

            "I don't know," Cecil said, then suddenly took a step back from the sink, raised his hand and slapped himself across the face, hard enough to leave a bright red mark across his cheek.

            "Christ, Cecil!"  Carlos stepped forward and grabbed his wrist so he couldn't do it again.

            "I had to see if I could feel pain.  And yes, yes I can."

            "Next time just pinch yourself or something, okay?  Jeez."  Carlos couldn’t keep himself from reaching up and brushing a hand over the mark. He wanted, badly, to lean in and kiss him, but held back.  "Pain is also proof of existence.  You can't feel pain if you don’t exist.  To feel pain you have to have pain receptors and nerve pathways and a brain. You wouldn't have these things if you didn't exist."

            "How do I know I'm not a dream that someone else is having, and when they wake up, I will no longer exist?"

            "Dreams don't feel pain.  You've had dreams before.  Have you ever felt pain in any of them?"

            Cecil looked down at the ground.  Carlos felt Cecil's wrist flex in the grip he still had, and kept his touch gentle, but firm. 

            "How do I know you are real?" Cecil finally asked quietly. "How do I know that I am not alone in the universe and created a perfect boyfriend to save myself from the lonely madness brought on by an eternal solitary existence?"

_Christ,_ Carlos thought.  Cecil must have gotten pulled deep into the Void's spell to be this disconnected.

            "First of all, I am real because I am not perfect.  I chew too loudly and I cancel too many dates and you freeze at night because I hog all the covers.  I am imperfect and you are imperfect and that is why we love each other. Remember?"

            Cecil shook his head.

            Carlos took the wrist he was still holding and pulled Cecil forward slightly, letting Cecil's hand rest on his chest.  "Feel that?  That's my heart beating Cecil.  That is real. I am real.  I am Carlos and I am real and I love you."  

            There was that look again, hopeful, but guarded.  Uncertain. 

            "I could be feeling my own heart beating for all I know," Cecil said, still looking unconvinced.  But he still didn't resist when Carlos moved in closer, kissing him on the forehead, right next to where his third eye would occasionally manifest. His skin was clammy, beaded with a cold sweat.

            Carlos thought for a moment.  "Cecil, can you whistle?"

            Cecil shook his head.  "No." He slid his hand from Carlos's grip and took a step back. 

            "Are you sure?  Try it."

            Cecil gave him another heart-breakingly suspicious look, then pursed his lips and tried to whistle.  But as promised, there was nothing by the dry rasping sound of desert sand. "See?"

            "Okay, so if you can't whistle, then you couldn’t do this." Carlos pursed his lips and whistled a few notes, watching Cecil’s face.  Cecil frowned and took a step forward, lifted his hand as if to touch Carlos's face, then let it drop back down.  "Do it again." 

            Carlos caught his gaze and whistled out a few bars of the song they had their first dance to, something Cecil would know and recognize. Cecil raised a hand to his mouth and several more tears spilled over from his lashes and down his face.

            "Carlos?"

            Carlos nodded as Cecil took a tentative step forward, then all at once his arms were full of the radio host, who was clinging to him, shaking with sobs. He could feel one of Cecil's strong hands burying itself in his hair and lowered his head, pressing a kiss against Cecil's thundering pulse.

            "It's okay Cecil.  I'm right here."

            Carlos ran a hand up his back, pressing with his fingers, giving Cecil as much tactile input as he could. He found the hem of Cecil's shirt and slid his hand inside, skin on skin, roaming the planes of his back and the angles and points of his shoulder blades, the slender line of his spine, with the gentle ridges and bumps of his vertebrae.  He kept touching him, pulling him close, letting Cecil feel the warmth and solidness of his body.  "Shh. I've got you.  I'm right here."

            For a while he wasn't sure who he was reassuring more, himself or Cecil, but his boyfriend eventually quieted, then stepped back slightly. He rubbed at his face with the sleeve of his shirt, before peering up at Carlos. 

            Carlos smiled at him.  "Hey there."

            Cecil smiled back.  "Hey."

            Then Cecil's mouth was over his, sweet and hot and tasting like home.

 

            Cecil remained calm but he wouldn't leave the room that Carlos was in, which Carlos was perfectly happy with.  They made a simple dinner together in the kitchen, soup and toast, and ate together, then migrated to the living room and cuddled on the couch. Carlos was lying on his back, Cecil draped on top of him, ear pressed to his chest to listen to his heartbeat, when Carlos finally decided to ask a few questions that had been circling his mind.

            "Cecil?"

            "Hmm?"

            "Why were you looking at the Void?"  

            Cecil propped his head up on his hands.  "I didn't mean to, Carlos, really I didn't. But I was trying to figure out what the moon was doing." 

            "The-the moon?"

            "Yes, Carlos.  It was in the sky this afternoon.  In the sky. During the  _day_!  It's only supposed to be up there at night but it was there, in the day and I was watching it and trying to figure out what it was doing up there, and then the next thing I know, I was staring into the Void." Cecil shuddered.

            "The moon reflects the sun's light and it's more visible at night, unless it's during the new moon phase," Carlos said.  "But it's also occasionally visible during the day because of its orbit.  So sometimes you can see the moon when it's light out.  It's not uncommon."

            "Oh." Cecil sounded deflated. "Well, I don't like it. It's not _normal."_

            Carlos decided one day he was going to have to list all the things that Cecil found mystifying or upsetting and see how many began with the letter M. Moon, mountains, and mirrors. Check.

            "I've always wondered why so many citizens don't like looking at the sky," Carlos mused.  "I guess that explains it."

            "It's very dangerous," Cecil agreed.  "The Void doesn't bother children too much.   They are more resilient than adults to the effects, and even more so if they are born and raised here. Adults often can't handle it as well."

            "I've noticed that."  Carlos ran his hand up and down Cecil's back again.  He had lost three astronomers already, two had gone insane after looking at the Void through their telescopes and one had committed suicide. "Does it upset you, to talk about it?"

            Cecil shook his head.  "No. I mean, it's a fact of life here. We grew up with it. When we were little, we used to dare each other to look at it, see who could stare at it the longest."

            "And it didn't bother you?"  Carlos couldn't keep the surprised skepticism completely out of his voice.

            "Not too much when we were kids.  Like I said, we were resilient and didn’t really understand concepts of existence and the loss of such.  It would make us feel sad and cry, but most kids would be fine after some kind of distraction or reassurance.  A hug from a parent, or a mug of hot cocoa.  Earl and I would watch out for each other if it happened.  If I got caught by the Void, then he would take me to his house and his mom would give us cookies and milk until I felt well enough to go home. If it happened to Earl, then I would take him to the Scoutmaster's house or the Desert Flower Arcade, so he wouldn't get in trouble.  Once you grow up though, it gets harder and harder to deal with the soul sucking power of the Void, and most adults can't stand to look upon it.  Including me."

            Cecil shivered and Carlos tightened his hold.  "You're okay, baby."     

           "I had forgotten how bad it could be.  I looked and it was all...confusion.  Loneliness.  Despair." Cecil couldn't stop shivering and Carlos shifted, rolling on top of Cecil and pressing a heated kiss against his mouth.

            "I happen to know a good cure for that." 

            "Oh?" Cecil asked, looking slightly dazed, but happy.  Carlos grinned.

            "Indeed. Follow me up to the bedroom and I'll show you."

         

            Carlos was concerned that Cecil would be too frightened or nervous to sleep, so he settled for making love to Cecil until he was too exhausted to stay awake.  Carlos lay beside him for a while afterwards, listening to Cecil's deep, even breathing and rubbing his back, making sure he wasn't having nightmares. Carlos knew from the start that if he wanted to delve into the endless mysteries surrounding Night Vale, he would have to deal with the terrors of the town too, taking the good with the bad. It still always unnerved him to see how other people suffered from it though.  Especially Cecil.  From being dragged into re-education sessions, to rushing into danger to get a story, or having to save his boyfriend's stupid ass in the pursuit of science, it always seemed that Cecil got more than his fair share of suffering. And there was nothing that Carlos could do about it.

            Except, maybe, for this.

            With the idea already blooming in his mind, he curled around his boyfriend, and fell asleep.

 

            A few weeks later, Carlos visited Cecil at the station, presenting him with a small box. Cecil was delighted, both by his boyfriend's unexpected visit and the gift. 

            "Oh Carlos. I love them.  They are so cute!  So so so cute!"  Cecil picked up the sunglasses with the cat eye frames and beamed up at Carlos. "What is the occasion?"

            Carlos bent down to kiss him. "You are. These lenses have a special coating and filter that will minimize the effects of the Void. We've been working on them for the last few weeks.  They'll protect your eyes from the sun too, of course."

            "Oh Carlos." Cecil threw his arms around Carlos's neck and tipped forward on his toes, kissing him deeply.

            Science for the win.


End file.
